his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
