I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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