Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
