we're chasing vodka with high fives
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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