k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
