even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
