How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...