A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
