He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
