Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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