I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
