SEEEEXXX PLEASE
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
