so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
