did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Last time i carry you out of a forest
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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