I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
