Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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