I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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