Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
