I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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