dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
