somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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