Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
