I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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