Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
