i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
