She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
