Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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