I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize