I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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