drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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