Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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