sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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