Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
