And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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