No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
