We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
