Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
