Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
