i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
