Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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