life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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