saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
