I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There are leaves in my underwear?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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