I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
