you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
