We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
