Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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