You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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