Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
