just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we're making bets on your personal life
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's always time for handjobs
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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