Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
