i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
