12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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