Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
