On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Someone signed my nipple.
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