Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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