I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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