Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
