I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
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