I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
love makes seman taste better
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
