my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
