This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
